The Heavy Lift

Hello friends,

...what a tough blow. I know I've been quiet about my process since my last post, but I just needed some time to gain more courage to write. 

It seems like my world has started spinning out of control. Sometimes, it's hard to take a moment to breathe with all of the tests, doctor visits, procedure options, questions, etc. Needless to say, it's been overwhelming. 

Most may think...well yeah, it's cancer. Actually, I've come to terms with my physical condition. So. No, it's not because it's cancer (at least not completely). The overwhelming aspect of this process has been making decisions about my near and far future. Chemo and surgery take a toll on a body, and I may have to face some of those harsh consequences. 

There was a moment last week, where I stood there stuck between two machines, and all I could do was cry for help internally. A few minutes before that exam, I received words of encouragement and love from a believer. I just hugged her and cried, because I knew that through her, God was speaking to me. However, the pain was so great that I begged for God to deliver me from the torture. Once it was over, there was nothing left for me to do but trust Him. 

Then another hard blow hit me when speaking about the effects of chemo and surgery. So much information to process in very little time. Every word was etched into my mind, and the visual began to form. When the doctor stopped talking, I tried to speak. 

I couldn't. Tears just started flowing, and my heart felt broken. 

God has blessed me with amazing people. In that moment, I only needed a hug. The person I had taken with me just let me cry and held me. To this day, I thank God for that shoulder to cry on. Without it, I wouldn't have been able to keep the visit moving. 

Decisions. Decisions. Decisions. 

That's what ran through my head. 

Later that night, I started to feel everything from the long day. My head was pounding, my heart was hurting, my soul was overwhelmed, and I just broke for a moment. I felt so much at once. Gravity felt excruciatingly heavy. The frustrating thing was making decisions, at my age and within the next two weeks, about something that's not guaranteed in my future. I didn't want to make those decisions. 

In that moment, my best friend must have felt my pain. She called me, listened, and showered me with love, compassion, and encouragement. I knew I could pour out my raw feelings, and she would understand me.  Just a true friend indeed. 

It took me a minute to just turn to God and lay out my frustrations, concerns, pain, etc. After a few days of battling with those feelings, I felt a small victory/breakthrough about it all. Someone actually told me I looked peaceful. 

Only God can do that...Only God can put peace where there was pain, fear, and tears. 

Psalms 23:4 "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." 

A special friend referred to this first moment as "the heavy lift." Heavy indeed, but not impossible. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. <3 Be not dismayed my friends. A long journey lies ahead, but I know it will be for His Honor and Glory. 

Love, 

Dayse