It has begun.
Hello world,
It's been a minute. I guess...things are getting harder to write about right now. I'm in my feelings lately, and I'm trying to avoid being super emotional all the time. You'd be surprised the things that people say that make you tear up when you're going through a very difficult moment...
The past month has been difficult. The past month has been emotional...I've had to make huge changes in my appearance in order to brace myself for what's to come. Well, what I think is "bracing" myself. The process has officially begun my friends.
In my "personality A" attempt, I tried to beat it to the punch, and I chopped off my hair. One of the things I felt defined me as a person for the longest time, and now it's gone. I have only had my hair cut this short one other time in life, and it was the saddest day of my life. I cried. This time...I didn't cry, but I could feel the tears building when I thought about it too much.
The experience overall was interesting-for lack of better words. When we arrived to the salon, I explained why I wanted to make such a drastic change. The receptionist's words were "who knows? you may be a blessed one and not lose your hair at all." I just wanted to hug her. Here...here is someone with more faith and hope than me. For a moment, I stayed quiet and smiled. My response was "amen."
I was torn in that moment. Do I chop it off to brace myself or wait to be that blessed one?
Then I said to myself, "if God truly makes me an exception, then it will grow back. I will come back to this place and testify to this lady of what God has done. If not, at least it will be short and I won't be as traumatized." Does that make me the "ye of little faith"?...I don't know.
I believe God can heal. I believe God can make miracles happen. I believe God has a purpose for my process. I believe that at any moment I could wake up and things can be different.
It's these moments that I feel torn between my personality A and my faith. Do these moments showcase my weakness? Do these moments speak of my level of faith? Does it make me less spiritual?
I'm not sure. All I can say is that it's hard.
At any rate, I made the decision to chop it shoulder length. I wasn't ready to shave it off. I said a little prayer when I sat down. Lord, please guide this woman's hand and don't let it be a horrifying experience. While I was getting it cut, a frame flew off the shelf. The lady behind me said it was her "ghost" friend.
Something rose inside and I just observed the conversation that began to happen. Listen, this lady had demon friends. Apparently, she hadn't heard it in awhile. I started to become anxious about this lady cutting my hair. I was like "no the devil is liar. I will not have fear in this difficult moment." I prayed over this lady and my hair.
Once she chopped it, the words out of her mouth were "here is your glory." I rebuke the devil in the name of Jesus. I felt my tears come on, and I told myself not to cry. The one thing I won't do is let the devil get the best of me. I just took deep breaths and she finished styling it.
One thing is obvious through this process...there is a spiritual battle happening right now. Many won't understand that statement, but I'm feeling the pressure.
For the first few days, I didn't want to show my face. I felt shame. I felt different. My beautiful long locks were gone, and I didn't feel beautiful. However, everyone around me just surrounded me with love and support. They didn't fail to make me feel beautiful. God bless those people. <3 You know who you are.
Now, I've learned to embrace the new look and have fun with it. I won't let this define me. I will make lemonade out of lemons.
Life only happens once, and when I get past this cancer, in the name of Jesus, then I will say, "YOU BROUGHT ME THROUGH, AND I ENJOYED THE PROCESS BECAUSE THE END RESULT IS BEAUTIFUL."
So yeah...I'm different, but I've always been different. One in a million. ;)
I say all this to say...I'm fighting cancer and this is the new me...it has begun.
Love,
Dayse
It's been a minute. I guess...things are getting harder to write about right now. I'm in my feelings lately, and I'm trying to avoid being super emotional all the time. You'd be surprised the things that people say that make you tear up when you're going through a very difficult moment...
The past month has been difficult. The past month has been emotional...I've had to make huge changes in my appearance in order to brace myself for what's to come. Well, what I think is "bracing" myself. The process has officially begun my friends.
In my "personality A" attempt, I tried to beat it to the punch, and I chopped off my hair. One of the things I felt defined me as a person for the longest time, and now it's gone. I have only had my hair cut this short one other time in life, and it was the saddest day of my life. I cried. This time...I didn't cry, but I could feel the tears building when I thought about it too much.
The experience overall was interesting-for lack of better words. When we arrived to the salon, I explained why I wanted to make such a drastic change. The receptionist's words were "who knows? you may be a blessed one and not lose your hair at all." I just wanted to hug her. Here...here is someone with more faith and hope than me. For a moment, I stayed quiet and smiled. My response was "amen."
I was torn in that moment. Do I chop it off to brace myself or wait to be that blessed one?
Then I said to myself, "if God truly makes me an exception, then it will grow back. I will come back to this place and testify to this lady of what God has done. If not, at least it will be short and I won't be as traumatized." Does that make me the "ye of little faith"?...I don't know.
I believe God can heal. I believe God can make miracles happen. I believe God has a purpose for my process. I believe that at any moment I could wake up and things can be different.
It's these moments that I feel torn between my personality A and my faith. Do these moments showcase my weakness? Do these moments speak of my level of faith? Does it make me less spiritual?
I'm not sure. All I can say is that it's hard.
At any rate, I made the decision to chop it shoulder length. I wasn't ready to shave it off. I said a little prayer when I sat down. Lord, please guide this woman's hand and don't let it be a horrifying experience. While I was getting it cut, a frame flew off the shelf. The lady behind me said it was her "ghost" friend.
Something rose inside and I just observed the conversation that began to happen. Listen, this lady had demon friends. Apparently, she hadn't heard it in awhile. I started to become anxious about this lady cutting my hair. I was like "no the devil is liar. I will not have fear in this difficult moment." I prayed over this lady and my hair.
Once she chopped it, the words out of her mouth were "here is your glory." I rebuke the devil in the name of Jesus. I felt my tears come on, and I told myself not to cry. The one thing I won't do is let the devil get the best of me. I just took deep breaths and she finished styling it.
One thing is obvious through this process...there is a spiritual battle happening right now. Many won't understand that statement, but I'm feeling the pressure.
For the first few days, I didn't want to show my face. I felt shame. I felt different. My beautiful long locks were gone, and I didn't feel beautiful. However, everyone around me just surrounded me with love and support. They didn't fail to make me feel beautiful. God bless those people. <3 You know who you are.
Now, I've learned to embrace the new look and have fun with it. I won't let this define me. I will make lemonade out of lemons.
Life only happens once, and when I get past this cancer, in the name of Jesus, then I will say, "YOU BROUGHT ME THROUGH, AND I ENJOYED THE PROCESS BECAUSE THE END RESULT IS BEAUTIFUL."
So yeah...I'm different, but I've always been different. One in a million. ;)
I say all this to say...I'm fighting cancer and this is the new me...it has begun.
Love,
Dayse
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